I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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