I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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