I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Randomize
