his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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