bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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