Who wears a wallet chain?!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
