is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
