I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
