I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
