We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
