i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
