My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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