Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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