I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I need moral support for this bender
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
