and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
