oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
