Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
