my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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