I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
