It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
