Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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