I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
