Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
