I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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