I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
