i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
