Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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