i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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