Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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