Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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