ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
