He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
