My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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