Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
BRING THE BAGELS
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize