I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
