I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
