i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
