I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
