So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
