he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
