I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
