idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize