That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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