Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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