Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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