I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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