I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
