She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
