I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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