that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
