I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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