I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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