i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
