Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think I sprained my soul last night
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize