Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
