I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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