She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So apparently I’m into choking now
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
