apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
