you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
