The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize