and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
