Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
