They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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