Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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