I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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